THE HILARY HENINGER

I admit, I thought it would be hard to think up ways in which I had to show up in alignment each day…turns out the universe came in hot on Day 2.

Scrolling instagram I see my daughter has re-posted a clip of her dad (my ex husband) being featured as part of his business on the news. He is an entrepreneur who has always worked incredibly hard. It’s brilliant and such a good opportunity for him. His new girlfriend has clearly been helping him with his marketing (I say this as his ex wife who helped him write all of his papers and even a non-academic probation essay for a misplaced joke he made once while he pursued his engineering degree – also, this is not a slight – more a reflection of his strengths and weaknesses – so don’t come for me with my honesty/observation/track record of evidence. lol).

My first thought – jealousy. He’s doing what I want to do – put myself out into the world. My second thought – defensiveness. Well, he has help and I am doing it all by myself. Third thought – humility. I’m being a jerk and it’s actually kind of awesome!

Omg – I can’t believe I am actually writing this. . . Yah. I am ridiculous. and petty. . . and immature, at times. The feelings are real. The thoughts are accurate. I also recognize it doesn’t make them true.

About 30 minutes later my ex appears unannounced at my door to help our oldest with his computer and in an instant I hear myself saying ‘ I saw your tv spot, congrats -that’s awesome!’. He’s never been one for basking in compliments (we once had a fight over me telling him ‘I loved his haircut. . . it’s a long story but turns out compliments make some people uncomfortable – who knew?) so he casually says thanks and it ends there.

The truth is that his success or wins have nothing to do with me. They have nothing to do with what I want or can accomplish. But it’s funny how when we see what we want in someone else the first thought can be scarcity, defensiveness, and fear. And in some cases, the crab in the bucket of ‘who do they think they are?’. It doesn’t even make any sense but let’s be honest – our reactivity rarely does – at least to what is happening in the present. My intentional response is very different.

I want him to feel accomplished and I want him to be supported (regardless of all that we have been through and continue to navigate). I want him happy, healthy, successful and winning at his life. And for me – I want my kids to see me compliment and celebrate him.

They say comparison is the thief of joy but it can also be a catalyst for change. When someone else’s wins, success or pursuits stir within us discomfort it’s time to pay attention. To turn inward. To get honest about what they have that we want, be it a feeling, a lifestyle, or something as simple as the courage to pursue what we have told ourselves we cannot.

The good news is our minds sometimes can’t or shouldn’t be trusted with narratives that limit what we believe is possible. The bad news is that it will take work and discipline to get into the habit of reminding yourself this.

So while you are working at making this mindset your reality, think all of the ridiculous things you want but in the end say nice things.